Sunday, November 23, 2008


Just heard these songs for the first time today. The first one is exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking over the last couple week. It's like Roby Duke says in a version of Amazing Grace..."I was through with God after I'd met him once, I was done loving my surprise, He wasn't done with me...."

The lyrics of this song really resonate with me right now "Whatever you're doing, it feels like chaos.........." Man, it's tough. One minute I believe with my whole heart there's a God who loves me and wants the best for me, the next, I completely believe it's all made up...The next minute thinking surrender is a great idea, just to turn around and say "no way in hell I'm giving in to something I don't even know exists". From I don't need to be connected to a church, that's just lame, to how could I ever walk away from the folks I feel connected to in such a strong way....It's driving me nuts. Can't make a clear decision about what the hell I want to do. It's scary to trust God and other people to look out for my best interests. Too scary to be that vunerable... But this song explains it better than I ever could...

Like the lyrics to this song by the same group too. "If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall..." Embedding is disabled, but you can see it here...


  1. Hey Laura...caught some of yr comments over at Nakedpastor...thot I'd check out who was the "stirrer behind the pot"...I,too feel like I'm on the outside lookin' yr a photographer?...did you know that David lives a stone's throw from Freeman Patterson?...well,maybe a 20 min. drive...close enuf

  2. LOL!! Don't really think of myself as pot stirring, I really do want to know the answers to the questions I'm asking.

    So how come you feel like you're on the outside? What's your story?

    BTW- I'm a photographer wannabe. My occupation at the moment is being an IT consultant.

    Not sure who Freeman Patterson is. Going to look him up though thanks.

  3. Hey Laura....I may have jumped the gun about F. P..,when I read... The Photographer's Eye-Freeman,I thot it was one of his books...nevertheless,you might be interested in his site...'m something of a wannabe myself,I had a D90 in my hand yesterday and am so tempted to take the plunge...for some reason,I keep putttin' it you have any photos online for viewing

    So,what's my story?....well,if I had to put it on a bumper,it wd say...


    I seem to take very seriously the charge to ask,seek and knock(but,but...what if someone answers?????)I did have my Damascus Rd. experience many moons ago and started attending a somewhat Evangelical Anglican felt compatible w/my Catholic upbringing,but within 5 yrs.,I was so successful in building a theological construct(mask) that my soul rebelled and I had to unshackle myself from the straitjacket I felt I was in...I shld say,it wasn't the church,it was something in myself,wanting to be correct and be right,wanting to pull Heaven down and make it was all theology,theology, hindsight,I've thot those words,"I have not come for the healthy,but the sick" have seemed so paradoxical in that,a believer may truly want what he/she needs,but there is a sickness that will destroy,I continue my journey,still intrigued,not so much proclaiming the good news,but searching the news for what is good,so to speak...BTW...I am the faith in Faithless....Later

  4. FIF - Did you go ahead and buy the D90? I'm shooting with a Canon 40D when I shoot DSLR, but with a cannon sureshot point and shoot most of the time. I love the image quality on that little thing.

    Thanks for the link to the FP site! I didn't recognize the name of the author of that book, although I really like the book. Pretty bad huh? I need to update that list anyway...thing I'm reading right now is Seth Godin's "Tribes". Pretty interesting but he doesn't really ever seem to finish a thought.

    I just finished Doug Padgitt's "A Christianity Worth Believing" that was a fantastic book! I think you may enjoy itt actually. He presents a way of understanding the gospel in a way that really resonated with me.

    How'd you wander on to NP's site??

  5. Hi,I didn't,I might wait till after Dec. to see how much the price goes down.I was using an Olympus C-5050 a few yrs ago now,a snappy little thing,but it did give up the ghost awhile back..I have some photos online if yr interested...not long after I bought that camera,I was missing the SLR's ability to compose thru the lens..I think I am going to take the plunge again w/the D90...I'd better get movin'-there's only so many weekends left at my happens to live about 20 mins.from me,although I've never been to his church,but know others(a few) that have,,,a friend received a gift of David's art and I got online to see who this David Hayward dude was and hey,here I am talkin' with a complete stranger about cameras,spirituality and bingo...well,maybe not's been fun...gettin' Naked,that is

  6. FiF- I'd love to see your work.

    How come you haven't been to David's church? Well, actually I kinda get that...tomorrow I'm going for the first time to a friend of mine's church. At least I think I am..there's something going on but he's not told me the time, just "plan on being there" LOL! Acutally, not ever sure where "there" is...oh well..

    Cool that you found NP through his art work!! I can't even remember how I first found my way there. I bounce around to different people's blogs alot. Seems like there's a certain circle of folks I resonate well with though...

    and yeah...gettin' Naked has been fun. :-)

  7. Nothing personal about David,but I'm quite sure I'm not ready to step back into a church community after many a long period of absenteeism...wd I have to bring a note from home?.."Pastor Hayward,wd you please excuse Tom from being absent from church these last 25 yrs...apparently,he misunderstood the times,in more ways than one" but honestly,I am a little curious about the "inner circle"..I mean,a man has to have the best of reasons to avoid the best of things,if that's what he's missing...I'm continuing to work it out with as much fear and trembling as my shaky soul can bear

    ...about those photos...go to by photographer/Thomas McGraw/26 photos...all taken about 4 yrs,I hate to even say that-one of my prime regrets...gotta get that D90

  8. You have some great shots in there!! I especially like the tree in the river, the boats in the mud, and the shadow abstract on the tower.

    I can so relate to both the awkwardness of going back into church community and the regret at not shooting for so long.

    I've been "wandering" for a while now about church and all things spiritual after growing up in the church and I guess basically becoming disillusioned by all the crap I've seen there.
    Used to go sit in a church service every week about 3 year ago but wasn't involved in anything outside of sitting there for an hour a week. (most weeks, but that only lasted a couple months till the pastor quit) Before that....probably was 7-8 years of not going anywhere for anything but a few weeks in a row. Sometimes church is the hardest place of all to be.

    Last couple months been hanging out at a home church both when I was in the same town and now over a livestream. Pretty cool...don't know that I'd call it "community" although I think it kind of is. Not a lot of interaction with anyone but a couple folks. More like interactive tv or live video blogging in some respects really. Hoping that'll change up a bit here soon with some social networking stuff I'm trying to convince them to try.

    So many things have changed for me in the last 3 months, it's hard to keep track. Tonight I'm going to attend an ordination service for a charistmatic friend of mine in his church. NEVER in a million years would I have thought I'd be setting foot in a charistmatic church again. My childhood church turned wacky charistmatic. I've got "baggage"...well..had baggage. Think after tonightl I'll be leaving that behind me. Odd thought that...

    I've done my "church" connections with blogs for the past 3 years or so I guess. That can be enough some times, you'll know when you're ready to go sit your butt in a pew. It would be cool if it was David's through...just cause you've found a connection there I think.

    Photographically...didn't shoot for most of the last 20 years since my dad died. Just picked it up again about 5 years ago when I was living in the UK. It's never too late to start again...

    So...why'd you stop doing the church thing and the photo thing?

    btw: do you know about David's blog?

  9. BTW - different David!

    I like the idea of taking an excuse from home note with you to church! think you should do it! :-)

  10. One more....sheeesh....

    Is that your child with his head on the floor? Great shot!!